Rise Above Resistance

When we are operating with our conscious mind, aware of our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs, we can control our perspective. We can transform feeling like a victim, to a position of empathy and understanding. When anyone is in victim mode they are living in fear. This view sets us up to fight back when challenged. This pattern is called reciprocity. This is how animals in the wild survive. Humans have a part of their brain called the frontal lobe; it houses our “conscious mind”. This is where our reasoning takes place and our sense of self is located. The processing ability of this area of the brain is what sets us apart from wild animals. It gives us the ability to analyze our thoughts, letting us gain insight towards new ways of looking at things, before we make our next move. For instance, in monkeys, when they are in a conflict it goes like this: you hit me, I hit you back, or run away. (Reciprocity) We have the ability to choose if those options are really necessary. When we use our conscious mind to observe the other person without judgment, we can keep from getting emotional about the situation, and hopefully choose our reaction to bypass further conflict.

Let’s see how that might play out….

Say you are hurt by something someone said to you. Most people’s first response is to take it personally. When we feel under attack, the average person utilizes to one of these four defensive tactics to respond: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. When we can detach from taking it personally, we can find a solution that leaves everyone’s dignity intact. To implement this type of processing, hoover above the two parties in conflict as if you are not one of them, like you are a bird flying overhead, observing the interaction. Take a good look at what each one brought to the table in their emotional baggage. You may be able to gain some insight as to why each one wants to react the way they do. You may not know these details just by looking, but if someone needs to verbally attack another this ultimately means they are harboring issues suppressed inside their own brain that are keeping them from feeling truly safe at that moment. How we want to instinctively respond shows if we are living under the influence of fear, (or any other negative emotion) as well. The reason we are harboring these emotions usually has nothing to do with what triggered the outburst.) There is an old saying, “Hurt people hurt people. A person feeling emotionally accepting and safe would not react in this defensive manner. Adopting this neutral perspective will help you choose the next move, with neutrality to help bring the situation back to one of respect for everyone’s mental and emotional state.

One of my most respected mentors, Linda Parelli says,” Hmmm…………. How Interesting?” when resistance shows up. She teaches her students to use reactions as information only. When horses offer their reaction to our question their answer is just a reflection of how safe, or respectful they are feeling. Their response is neither good nor bad, it is just a clue about if their needs were being met at that moment. This insight enables us to choose our next move wisely to obtain the outcome we desire. No one can give their best when they are in fear mode, the body does not permit access to the parts of our brain that allow anything but the order to find safety. Taking a moment to assess what need might not be being met for them gives us a valuable tidbit of information to choose our next move. Meet their need and you will have them closer to trusting you and their world.

With this form of dealing with conflict we can be successful in not taking the other people’s actions personally. By using our brilliant conscious mind to reason our way through the situation, we take ourselves from the perspective of being a victim embroiled in conflict to one of security and compassion. When we stop dealing with it as conflict, but an option to gain understanding, we foster a new atmosphere of safety for all. This builds trust between all parties involved. From the position of neutrality, utilizing the tools of power of understanding and empathy, we can find limitless harmony in our relationships.

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